Wednesday, September 20, 2017

36 weeks!

I am entering my 36 weeks and going to complete my 9 months in few days! And then, I am a time bomb. I can be in labor anytime soon. Alhamdulillah, its been an overwhelming journey. With ups and downs, I am surely going to miss being pregnant again. The treatment I get, like cant do this, cant do that, my food cravings. Few more weeks before I am expected to pop, or even earlier! And I am now trying my best to fulfill my food cravings and eat happily, as much as I can, anything cold especially before its time to pop.

It was my birthday yesterday and due to my pregnancy brain, I cant even remember it was my birthday T.T Until husband woke me up in the morning with a kiss on my cheek, wishing me, happy birthday sayang. And I'm like, oh? Its my birthday already? Time sure is flying fast and I am looking forward to meet my baby. I've been enjoying my pregnancy until now and all I hope is a prayer from each and all of you for my safe delivery. In sha Allah, in Allah's willing, I will survive the labor along with baby, healthily.

So husband didnt plan anything for my birthday, and he asked me, what do I want for my birthday? I am not really a cake person and now my food cravings are not that bad, so I kinda ran out of ideas until...... I want pavlova with loads of peaches on top! So last night, husband made me pavlova (with loads of peaches!) helped by my baby sister, Zira. For someone that doesnt like baking (my husband), he managed to present me a tray of cute pavlova! I am super happy, alhamdulillah. As I get older, I guess these small things matters most. He was planning of taking me to Helipad but since that's not my kind of view (besides the ridiculously expensive price of beverages), I said nahhhh. Plus, I am too lazy to go out for a birthday dinner. All I asked him was a prayer for my safe delivery and my health, for our small family in life and hereafter. And pavlova also! Hehe.

That's all. Wasalam. Love, Nina M. ♥


Thursday, September 14, 2017

Good night sleep

Good night sleep? For me? Been NOT having them for a while now. Sigh. Too many things happening and slightest thing I knew would trigger my anxiety attack and negativity. And this morning, I had another slight anxiety attack. Trying to stabilize myself, by listening to Al-Quran reciting and calm myself down with so much positivity. Tbh, the environment in office is really bad for me. I dont know why but most of this triggering stuffs starts at the office. Where I dont have so much to do and I cant go out to calm myself down anyway. So I'm kinda stuck inside, my head feels cluttered. I need to go out. Also, my lemah semangat is not helping with it also. Sometimes I dont want to calm myself down as much as I could because I would end up being in denial. Solution is, I have to have faith to Allah SWT. That's all.

Now I started my morning calmly. Listening to Ikim.FM in the morning calms me down so much now. All the motivational talk and knowledge they share in the morning is really good. But at the office, I often will open facebook. And when all the outsiders news came in, that's kinda what triggers it. So now, I really am avoiding myself from socmed as much as possible. But curiosity kills a cat, they say. It kills me now. I am so curious that I want to keep myself updated. (as if Ikim.FM's news on outside world is not enough *rolled eyes*). I dont know, but I tknk being feed on the good stuffs only. But news is not always the good stuffs though. Even now, been a while since I watched television. Be it movies or even news! I memang tak tengok dah. Idk why. So bila bukak facebook, of course the curiosity, kills me.

Its been a while since I had a good night sleep, as what I said. But what to do. They say its normal when you're pregnant. All this contributing factors are killing me also. Even now, I dont want to write them out. Why? In denial. Of course, me. I cant face the fact. I cant accept the reality. They say bitter truth are better than sweet lies. Idk, I prefer sweet lies, maybe?


Wasalam.


*************

Tempted to delete the points I wrote. But I'm just gonna leave it there. Battling hard. Sorry but no, I have to delete.


Wednesday, September 13, 2017

Rain

"Hujan tu rahmat."

As much as this is true, I just hate the fact that me, myself, are deeply scared of rains, thunder and lightning. And I know, during the rain, its the best time to doa because usually during this time, our doa are highly possible to be granted by Allah. I am really scared of it though. Especially when its raining heavily with strong winds, close to hurricane. Raining at night scares me the most. Back when husband still in JB pursuing in studies, I really wished that it never rains at night, so I can sleep in peace. Or if I wake up in the middle of the night and its raining heavily, I will definitely run up to my baby sister's bedroom to sleep with her. Lightning and thunder scares the hell out of me. 

Especially now, due to several incidents, pregnancy hormones, negative-minded me, I become so what the orang Islam said, lemah semangat. Easily startled. And scared of those little things. And that's when everytime I feel that way, I know and need to pray and read Al-quran more often. At least listen to the reciting of Al-Quran. Because I'm in a recovering phase. To make myself more faithful to Allah. Because right now, I have too many doubts, over myself, in life. So I kinda need to tawakkal & redha. Especially with the nightmares such. 

I am recovering. Internally. In sha Allah.

Wasalam. Love, Nina M. ♥

Tuesday, September 12, 2017

Updates

Last time my life updates was about the arrival of our baby playpen. And yes, that night, husband terus nak pasang. As usual. Ni kes balik keje, tak mandi apa semua terus start pasang k. Hahaha.


Why we prefer this? Because its safe, fit the purpose of a baby cot and can be folded to bring anywhere. So mama's first impressions, "ohh green again?" Yeappp most of our baby's stuffs is blue and green because husband's favorite color is green. Tapi lepas pasang ni terus katup balik since belum nak pakai lagi kan sekarang. 

So our raya haji program? Korban of course. But since majlis korban + akikah, my parents decided nak buat on Sunday. And since its holiday from Wednesday, so I asked my husband, kita taknak balik JB ke. Because lama gila dah tak balik, and now especially husband dah keje sabtu. But one of my husband's concerns is me. Sbb during that time, I am at 34 weeks already. I said, if not now, bila lagi? Sbb after this, we have no long holidays and I would be ready for labour already. So ktorang balik JB malam khamis tu. After we had BBQ with my family. As for me, memang tido je la dalam kereta. Since hubs pun mmg dah tetapkan curfew for me. But then, expected la for such uncomfortable sleep position that makes my body ache. And since its my MIL's birthday that week, so me and hubs decide nak belanja makan. 


Thats my MIL and super tiny SIL. I mean, really she is skinny & tiny. Nak compare dgn Amalina dgn pipi kembangnya. Omg. So kitorang belanja dominos. Makan kt rumah je. Because time tu mcm semua penat and husband pun like easy kalau kite surprise kat rumah je. Plus, husband time tu baru first paycheck and I pun tkde halang dia utk belanja family dia makan. In fact, I pun dari dulu berniat cmtu but thinking of all the commitments yada yada so this time, rezeki ada lebih, and so kitorang pun share duit. Alhamdulillah. Top most, everybody kenyang. Heeee


Sabtu mlm tu kitorang pun bertolak balik KL sbb esok pagi ada majlis korban. This korban kitorang buat sendiri. Just family and sedara rapat. Sbb inclusive with my niece and nephew punya akikah and my parent's korban. I hope next year I can join in sha Allah. Its our 3rd year of doing korban, alhamdulillah. Seronok bila family besar actually. Sbb the kind of my parents ni jenis suka buat semua sendiri, I mean gotong royong our whole big family dgn atok nenek because to them, this need to be taught not only in class, but practically also. So husband pun belajar sekali. 



I dont have the full video pun it was updated in my instastory and dgn bodohnya amalina pun tak save the moments. So yeah, noobnya. But then, what I did? Nothing. Mando kan keadaan and suruh orang buat keje je. Since my grandma dah warn sesiap tak bagi I masuk dapur buat keje, so yeah. Hehehe. 


And then the down phase in my life starts. I am still trying to heal myself though. And trying to live positively. Slowly, but surely. In sha Allah. 





So last weekend, since I was having breakdown moments, husband dah pujuk sesiap. 

"Sayang, this week kite pegi shopping ya?"

Ohhh I hate it. Why? Because I suck at it. Hahahha. But since I need a diversion and a treatment, so I agree. On Sunday, after breakfast, we went to Manjaku Mall to buy our last kopek barang baby. And again, I get confused. Bawak list ke tak, still I will get confused. So I said to husband, "ni last time kite beli barang baby. after this kite tggu baby keluar je, kalau tak cukup, baru kite beli." 

We never gonna know until barang tu needed kan. So yeah. And after that, husband cakap, terus pg Ikea since dia nak beli almari terus. Yela kan, bila lagi nak beli. Since Sunday is the only holiday husband ada. Ikea is so confusing k! I mean, for me and husband since its our first time shopping perabot kt sana. And ktorang tanya orang tu how to buy apa semua. And the worst time consuming is designing new almari. So yeah, makan masa kat situ je kot. During that time, rasa mcm fucked up gila like wey this thing is super easy but whyyyyyyyy we took so much time. 

Me: "Sorry syg, its my first time also. Ina taktau how to buy and I dont blame you also."
Husband: "Its okay, kan first time. Tapi bengang sbb bnde dah senang jadi susah. Dua-dua noob." 

Kahkahkahkah. Sangat! 


Apa yg susah? Sbb I want this kind of wardrobe. I need the laci. And husband tknk open cmni. As he wants door to close the upper part. So he decided, okay, we do this design then we add door. But me, being the person who wants it to be as cheap as possible, makes it a lot more confusing. So yeah, my fault. Hahaha. Plus, its because we're combining designs and finding the cheaper options. Me, of course. And during that time jgk, phone kitorang both tinggal 2% jeee dengan I left powerbank dalam kereta pulak. Wuish, mencabar gila perangai. My fault. Hahaha. 


We go back around 5pm dengan tak lunch apa semua. Dah la Sunday kan, and Ikea mmg full. Baru ingat nak makan meatball since alang-alang kat situ but RAMAI GILA. During that long queue nak bayar, muka masing-masing dah lemau. Husband like sepanjang masa tanya, ok tak ni? Sbb I dah nak pengsan few times kt Ikea sbb air tak bawak and Ikea is big enough for me. Long walks, choosing items apa semua. Time nak load barang masuk kereta, husband dah bising dia suruh I duduk. Biasalah degil kan. Nak jugak mengangkut barang. Because I know he's tired too. How can I not help? But I have to think of myself also. So I pun duduk dalam kereta. Then fikir nak makan mana. Since mmg lapar gila. And I said, I'm starved gegila, so jom la makan burger king je. Tkyah tapau. Makan sana je. But then, me being me, makan tak habis pun. Husband complain berat badan dia naik sbb asyik kne habiskan my food. Almaklumlah, perut I sempit. Ekekeke. 

Arrived home around almost 6pm and husband, apa lagi dia tu. Terus pasang la. Malam tu jgk siap. My husband ni jenis yang if dia tengah study or pasang almari or buat keje, barang dia akan bersepah. Like EVERYWHERE. And dapat pulak I jenis tak bole tengok barang bersepah. So while dia rehat ke apa, I will start susun barang-barang dia. And dia tak bole cmtu. Dia cakap, bersepah tkpe, at least he knows kt mana dia sepahkan. Because if I kemas, I mcm dah kacau his area and dia jadi hilang mood. Cerewet betul T.T So awal-awal lagi, dia suruh I solat and suruh I naik katil and jangan kacau his space. Dia cuma left me bed and jalan nak pegi pintu keluar je. Nak pegi toilet pun terhalang tau! Ceittt. If I'm desperate for toilet visits, he would watch my steps asalkan I tak langgar lansung any one of his barang. 


Hence, this. Toilet dah la berhadapan almari cermin tu. And dia terbaring kat situ. Gambar almari baru? Tak siap lagi since kt Ikea Cheras, shelf is out of stock. So yeah, it'll come in 2 weeks but then, I checked bnde tu banyak kt Ikea Damansara. So kne pegi sana la ceritanya. 



This week, I had my check up and Tunku Azizah hospital on Monday with Dr Zana Zalinda and KK check up today. I had my last tetanus injection. And next week, I'll be in 36 weeks! And 7 days after, I should be ready for labor anytime soon. Omg this is scary. I just hope everything will be okay, in sha Allah. 

Sleepyhead everyday since I cant sleep well at nights. I had nightmares. Every night. So yeah. 

And now, here I am, at office. Working. 

Wasalam. Love, Nina M. ♥ 






Saturday, September 9, 2017

So much.

Actually, I have so much to blog about. And I want to. But things gone quite amiss for me now. I'm in a very fragile state of mind and really trying hard to stay out of social medias now. I have time to blog at office but my phone ran out of mobile data and couldnt transfer photos manually to my office desktop, so yeah. Plus, everything inside my head seems to be very cluttered and I just couldnt collect myself to pin point whats wrong with it, let alone finding solutions of this mess. Part of me prefer to be alone at the moment. Having family and friends around me, cheering or even living their life full of positive vibes and content, gives me idk, how can I describe it yeh, its not helping me. So I kinda rather sit alone in my room, do arts, clean room and baca al-quran. The only person I'd rather be is with my husband only. My husband said its my pregnancy hormone and me myself is already a negative person, so it clutters up and ruin my mood. I dont know which affected me worst, my pregnancy hormones or my negative thinking, but it aint helping me surviving my 3rd trimester.

My mom once said, I have to get rid of all my negativity, negative vibes, negative minded Nina, because sooner or later, it'll eat me up. And really, it is. My ustazah once told me to never think too much, dont overthink, deep-thinking or anything near it, because I might end up going crazy. And I think I am half mad now. My nightmares also haunting me. I couldnt get enough sleep. Redha is such a hard thing to do. Pardon me if my posts would be so amiss and pointless because I dont even know how to describe what I am feeling inside. Its cluttered...

I become afraid of family, happiness, I dont want to go out, I just wanna stay in bed and hug myself. Or sleep. Idk. I'm too scared now. And I dont know what to do.

What is wrong with me?