Friday, October 20, 2017

Overdue

By this date, I am already 3 days overdue. Baby is 3.5kg the last time I had check up which was last Monday. So doctor gave me another 6 days and I will be admitted to ward on 23rd. If I am by then still 2cm dilated, I will be induced and will be forced to labor. I hope induce is good enough for me since I dont want c-sect. Praying hard for baby to come out soon. In sha Allah.

Anyway, we was hoping baby will come out on 14/10/2017, the same birth date as my mom and my husband. But noooo, up until his due, 17/10/2017, I still havent give birth. No signs at all. Mostly more to false alarms since my contractions become more regular during the night and then after few hours, the pain subside. I mean, for delivery, the pain should be more and more intense until I can push but no, baby just went back and continue sleeping.

On 14/10/2017, we had birthday dinner at Nando's JJ AU.




I bought a cake for mama & Firdaus and surprise them in the diner. But sadly, it was definitely a surprise because I didnt had the chance to record all the singing and blowing candles. But the moment was very lively, lovely and it cheered everybody up. Alhamdulillah. And top most, everybody was around. I mean, EVERYBODY. And even everyone in the diner was singing also and clapped hands. So it was very happening. And I am glad I made my mom and husband so happy. Feeling a bit down since I unable to do more because I am nearly due and really, I just need to focus on my labor. But it was happening. Alhamdulillah. 


This is me in my 39th weeks guys. Still havent gained much weight. And my baby is fully engaged though. Just still want to be in mummy's tummy. 


And this was posted by my bestfriend, Anis. She's been saying how she is not looking forward to lose me. I mean, me not being able to be around her all the time especially after I have a baby. She's definitely the Godmother hahaha. But on the brighter side, you're not gonna lose me. You gonna have another mini me. 


So ever since my 2nd trimester, I have this craving for crab. Been wanting it so so bad. And since baby is refusing to come out, and the price of crab is soooooo EXPENSIVE so hubs decided to take me to Manhattan Fish Market for king crab. Well, with hope that after this craving fulfilled, I might go into labor as soon as possible. I know husband really want this baby out already. He cant wait to meet the baby. 





So now that all my cravings fixed, I can definitely labor in peace, in sha Allah. You can see how bloated I am already. Just waiting to pop. Feelings? Scared but excited also. I never wanted to be induced though but it seems like I am still having irregular contractions and my vagina is not dilated enough. They say induce gonna be painful but doctor said it might not to me because I am 2cm dilated already. I just hope I will be able to withstand the pain, in sha Allah. 

Scared! 

I am so bored at home. I never wanted an early leave but doctor insisted for me to take MC and rest at home. Soooo since I am 3 days overdue, I am literally grounded. Cant go out without husband. Must be home all the time. Im soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo bored!

3 more days to go. Have to enjoy all sleep and rest before joining motherhood! But cant go anywhere. Just gonna sleep all day. 

Wasalam. Love, Nina M. ♥





Thursday, October 12, 2017

A day at home.

I am few days away from reaching 40 weeks. So this morning, I was feeling a bit feverish. And migraine. My head was aching on one side only. And I feel like a burning sensation everytime husband or my own hand touches my skin. So it was very uncomfortable. Since my manager whatsapp-ed me yesterday after work for a letter to be issued out (supposedly today), I was still keen to go to work. But husband forbids me. He was worried if anything happens. Because after wudhu' for Subuh, I kinda fell down because my head was spinning like mad. So I didnt go to work today. I called office and informed my manager. And it was the most boring day ever.

Since I couldnt sleep after subuh, after husband getting ready for work, my mom knocked my door and husband told her I'm sick. I was on the phone (instagramming & games) until 9.30am or more before I get up and shower. Usually in the morning, I would go for hot shower but not this morning. I had cold shower and its the best thing ever. So I went for breakfast and I dont know what else to do. I dont want to watch movie so I was damn bored. Around 11am, I lie down on my bed and trying to sleep. Still feeling very hot. So I turned on the aircond, and it gets too cold. But when I turned it off, its hot again. It was very uncomfortable. And I tried taking a nap, fail. Getting up for some fresh air, falls down on the bed again. I was heating up. Finally I managed to fall asleep around 12-1pm ++

After that, waking up feeling tiny bit better than before so I decided to pray and ajak Zira to accompany me to kedai nak beli air kelapa. So I bought air kelapa, pisang goreng, nenas, tembikai and went straight to pick up her friend and send them to school for a dinner rehearsal. I was sooooo bored. And then I went home, ate lunch and all the food I bought. Time was moving soooooooooooooooooooooo slow it was excruciating. Asked kakna to cook some keropok and made tea for me. I did almost nothing and I dont know whether its gonna help me with my labor. But nurse said I need to relax. Walk more & dont stress out. Hmmmm I wish its that easy.

I asked husband whether I could go to work tomorrow. Well his answer is certain. Cannot.

Nangissssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss


Wasalam. Love, Nina M. ♥


Tuesday, October 10, 2017

39 weeks.

I am tired. I have this contemplating feeling of whether I want this baby out now or not. Everytime I feel like a contraction coming, becoming more frequent, all these thoughts came in mind.

1. All the foods I havent got to eat and wont be able to eat during confinement.
2. I will miss being pregnant again. The food cravings, the lethargic feeling NO ONE can deny because its so special being pregnant.
3. Doa orang pregnant ni makbul, so rasa rugi sbb tak doa bebanyak. Hence, my negative thinking (based on previous posts)
4. Belum rasa puas duduk berdua? Nahhhh. We had enough, I think?
5. I will miss being pregnant. Because I miss baby's movement inside me.


I mean, there are so many reasons why. And everytime it comes, the contraction will stop. I guess the baby senses that I might not be ready, yet? I dont know. I am excited for baby to come out, because its TWO MONTHS maternity leave yeayerssss and also because I am tired of going to work already. Nothing ever feels right. But cuti dah nak habis and I dont plan on taking unpaid leave and early holiday. I mean, tunggu dah beranak baru start cuti. I really hope I wont get bad contraction during my trip back and forth to work. I mean, because I am driving Setiawangsa-Kepong 5 days a week.

During yesterday's check up with Dr. Zana Zalinda (my gynae), my opening was 2cm and she taught me ways to help with the vaginal opening. Natural inducer la. She was really hoping that she dont have to induce me. Means, she's a gynae that really want to push for normal birth. I really hope I wont get czer. Why? Because I couldnt afford it. Hahahaa.

Actually husband tak bagi dah pegi keje but I insisted since I dont want to take any unpaid leave. And orang kat office semua cam marah, whyyyy you datang keje lagi you dah 2cm opening kot?! But erm, I dont know. I feel like I have to be at the office. And I mean, what am I gonna do at home anyway? So might as well I walk to work, climb up stairs, be active and maybe it'll help with my vaginal opening? So please, pray for my safe delivery guys.

I am scared.

Wasalam. Love, Nina M. ♥


Friday, October 6, 2017

Down moment

I am at that point where I dont care anymore. I am tired. I am mentally unstable. I need rest, I need to be mentally prepared for labor but I am not. I need to take a break from work. But me being workaholic, I just cant. And I am not planning of taking early break before labor pun. So yeah, waiting for labor and being mentally hectic is so not good for me and baby. I've been saying a lot of bad things, be it to my husband, to my baby, everything. I am just sooooooo stress now.

I am at the verge of blowing up. Everything husband did was never right to my eyes, whatever he said is wrong to my ears, everything is so messed up. Iman pun dah goyah. I dont know how else to fix the broken me. I am deeeeeeeeply broken and cant be rectified. And a lot of people is broken too, because of me, my negativity, my words. You know, being emotionally attached to my baby also is making me crazy. Why? Just because I am carrying this baby, so I cant freak out? I cant stress out? What about people that's making me nuts? Am I not allowed to feel bad? To feel sad? Just because it'll affect my baby, is it? So I cant have all those mental breakdown just because I am literally, mentally and emotionally attach to the baby, right? So what if your husband drives you nuts? I dont know. I am so down. I need mental support. But I cant. I know I can always turn to Allah, but why wouldnt i? I DONT KNOW. I am just messed up, inside out.

I AM FUCKING TIRED.

Tuesday, October 3, 2017

Battling negativity

I am having such hard time dealing with myself. It sucks because all those news, about wars, apocalypse, weather changes, disasters, everything, affects me so much. I dont know. Probably because I find it hard to accept the fact? Yes. And I've always been a very negative person. Like my mom always side, I should quit thinking negatively. Why? Because it will consume me. It will eat me inside. And really, I feel like I'm being eaten alive.

I've always been the kind of person that will think about all the worst case scenarios that could happen. My mom forbid me for doing so because she said, its like I have no faith and always have doubts over Allah's decision. I dont know, I see it as being logical, I think? And she said its sinful to do so.

So the real truth is, I read al-quran a lot lately. I mean, the moment I started thinking negatively, I would pluck in my earphone and pasang ayat al-quran. And read the translations also. I mean, its like reading books. And convincing myself that Allah's plan is never wrong, never late, never too soon. Its perfect.

But due to that one time, husband fall sick, and I was intimidated. Doctors were worried. And I was 110% more worried than the doctors. So I consulted my doctor friend, Sha, and she said I should go to HKL (since hubs have no insurance - damn I should do one for him) so I went to HKL, after asking for referral letter from clinic, that night, after check-ups, I was so tired though but my negativity and over-worrying head wont let me chill until I know what's going on. Few days before, hubs were referred to Pusrawi and the doctor still cant confirm what it is and further check-ups will cause us a fortune! And during that day la, my card couldnt be used and husband punya gaji tak masuk lagi. So I was pissed off. I was mentally pissed. I screamed and shouted to husband, questioning everything about my life. How whyyy its now? Why is it during my time of might go into labor anytime soon that my husband has to fall sick? I mean, more so because I dont know the main reason of his sickness. And it worries me. So I started to question Allah. I said, how else You wanna make my life miserable? Why now?

Damn I was filled with rage. And I stopped praying. I cried so hard. And I resisted husband. I said, please stay away from me. Everything I did was never okay to God and is affecting my husband. I shut people off. And everytime its prayer time, I said No. I said, I prayed and baca al-quran but I still get tested. I just want a nice life. Whatever husband said, I resisted. I hate myself. I hate everything. Its the kind of feeling like you want to pray but ahhh whatever lantak la. And usually I would gagahkan myself to take wudhu' and before I started praying, I sat down, and starting to question WHY DO I STILL HAVE TO PRAY and cried so hard. And I prayed.

And our trip to HKL, more medicine given to husband. Mostly the same as the one we got at Pusrawi. And husband said, blood no longer came out during poopoo. But still, I havent still recovered from my crazy mental state. But husband still never gave up asking me to pray. Ceramah tu banyak jgk la dia bagi. And sikit-sikit dia try untuk tanam lagi perasaan yg baik-baik so that I wont question anymore. So sedikit sebanyak, my husband helps me so much in recovering. And I am trying to recover. My bestfriend also helps. I mean, these two people are literally my psychiatrist. These two people are the ones I will consult over my negativity and my paranoia over everything. But I know, whatever it is, it all comes down to my acceptance. Yes, kiamat will happen. War will happen. Everything will happen. I just have to accept it. I mean, we're almost at the end. And I still cant accept that. How bad my Iman is now. Yes, I am having so much hard time now. And battling it.

I uninstalled my socmeds but I know, at the end of the day, its all about my acceptance. If I can accept the fact, then nothing will ever stop me. Not even any news, wars or thrill movies will scare me, except Allah SWT. And please pray for my recovery.

Wasalam. Love, Nina M. ♥